Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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