mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
