mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
