beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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