At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
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