I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
