So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
