he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
