Are we in a gay sports bar?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
