Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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