im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
