put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
