he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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