Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
