Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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