No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
