and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I love you. Go after that dick
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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