It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
3pm strippers are depressing
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
