Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Randomize
