He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
