Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
