Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
