Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
where are you?
Hypothermia
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
