tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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