I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
i've created a new STD.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
