you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
