kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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