I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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