His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
