I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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