just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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