Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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