I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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