this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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