Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
