Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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