I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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