i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
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