On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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