Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
