Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
