Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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