Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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