With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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