you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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