The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
is it fun? or sober?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
