sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
