My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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