I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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