As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
