I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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