Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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