We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
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When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
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I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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