Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
