I CAN MOONWALK!
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
