you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
