I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
